Saiyuki Fic: Aimless, Hakkai, het-ish
Jun. 4th, 2008 12:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jedishampooTitle: Aimless
By:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jedishampoo
Pairing: Hakkai/RYFC (Random Youkai Female Character) (Hakkai HETOMG.)
Rating: R (not worksafe)
Summary: In the youkai village, Hakkai and Gojyo go their own ways for a bit.
Notes: About 1600 words. Forsharpeslass, who wrote me a 35 and requested Hakkai het. It’s more about Hakkai angst than the smexin’. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but she liked it. Thanks for the beta, dahling.
The youkai town had proved mystifying, surprising, and seductive. The whole idea of it. The promise that someplace new would provide community, safety from the outside world, from the past. That didn’t make it right, however. It never lasted.
“So, what was it like, being human?”
“In what way?” Hakkai asks. He feels the youkai woman’s hands cradle his waist, long fingernails pressing in ever so slightly. He can smell her hair and the sharpness of the liquor on her breath. He remembers that he’d had some rationale behind his decision to come here, to her home, but can’t remember how he’d reached it.
“I mean, what did it feel like?”
“I don’t remember,” Hakkai admits. At least, he can’t remember physically. He’s been this way for so long, in his new life, that it seems normal. He does somewhat remember the pain of the transformation, the fear he’d felt as something happened to his body that he couldn’t explain. The clenching of his ribs, the sickness that rolled back and forth in his gut-- not at the blood of the Maoh clan or at feeling his nails and ears growing, but at the knowledge that Kanan was dead. That she had despaired somewhere alone.
“I remember everything before I was reborn,” she says. Her skin is dark, and her eyes are light brown. When Hakkai sets his hands on her shoulders, hesitantly because he’s forgotten how to touch a stranger, she releases a soft hmmm of satisfaction.
Hakkai feels like Gojyo had looked, just before he’d left the bar with his own companion for the evening. A brief, stymied expression had crossed Gojyo’s face when the tall woman had clasped his hand and pulled him towards the door. Like he was waiting for something. Like he knew that Sanzo should appear out of nowhere to deny him the female company, or even that Hakkai might give him a look that said “this is a bad idea.” There had been confusion at the intervention that never came, quickly covered, then eagerness, glee. Hakkai often envied Gojyo his ability to take life as it came. To care, and care deeply, when he felt like it, and to let go when he didn’t.
Hakkai had drunk just enough liquor to care a little less about everything-- the youkai town was low on water while home-brewed hooch was plentiful-- but the feeling has worn off. He wishes he’d brought some liquor with him, wishes that he could recapture that moment of decision. Then he realizes that there isn’t enough liquor in Shangri-La to make this right.
She’s still talking.
“Were you afraid of us?” she wants to know.
“I really didn’t think about it,” Hakkai says.
“Oh,” she says. “Well, it doesn’t matter.” Her face moves closer, like she’s raising herself onto her toes, and her eyes close.
“I need to--” Leave, he thinks. His fingers pop open and his palms lift, like he’s releasing a hot thing.
Her eyes fly open just as suddenly, and they’re a little frightened, a little hurt. It’s the sort of look a woman might have in her eyes when she was hugging herself.
“Oh,” she says again, and starts to back away.
“It’s just… I’ve been injured,” he says, not entirely untruthfully. His ribs and stomach muscles clench against his injuries, the new one and the old one. Too much freedom, too little direction; it wasn’t good for any of them.
Though Gojyo might beg to differ. Hakkai wished he had Gojyo’s way with women. The ability to put them at ease, to make them happy while promising nothing. Never leaving hurt feelings behind.
He wonders what Gojyo is doing right now, then stops wondering because he realizes that he really doesn’t want to know. He wonders how he possibly had said those things to Gojyo a few days ago-- about finding someone indestructible. Even if he’d said them in jest. Even if this woman understood that they wouldn’t be staying long. Fate had a way of turning Hakkai’s reality into a joke of its own.
“It’s okay,” she says, and tucks her dark hair behind one delicately pointed ear. She’s not looking at him. “I understand.”
Hakkai knows she is lying, and he wants to laugh at his sin. It isn’t this woman’s, Xianling’s, fault that he’d covered his distrust in fate with a new life, and she doesn’t deserve for him to be untouchable now. He can never enjoy this, but there’s no way to extricate himself without hurting her feelings. Like Sanzo says, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, we have a destination. Hakkai can do this.
He smiles, and hopes she doesn’t recognize its falsity. Gojyo and Goku and Sanzo would never be fooled by this smile, but they aren’t here. He clasps her shoulders and tries a Gojyo line. “Maybe I just need you to be gentle with me.”
“Oh!” Xianling says, and her eyes clear some, and her lips curl up at the sides, just the tiniest bit. “Of course.” Silly man, her eyes say, but her hands hover just above his hips, as if she’s not entirely convinced.
So Hakkai leans in and kisses her. Her lips are warm, the inside of her mouth wet and she tastes like liquor, and something else. He doesn’t remember the taste or this feeling, but he’s willing to go through with it, anyway. Always, Hakkai performs the correct penance for his mistakes.
Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, we have a destination. Part of him remembers something, because after a while his hands switch positions with hers, and she’s the one grabbing at his shoulders while his fingers press at the small of her back, his thumbs at her soft belly. Her skin underneath the waistband of her skirt is softer than the homespun material.
And Xianling is gentle, as promised. When her fingers venture down his aching breastbone and into the front of his pants, he hasn’t even realized that she’d unfastened them. His body remembers the correct response: his flesh is sensitive to the touch of the unfamiliar, and his blood knows where to go. He gasps at the contact and the rush of blood and the way it throbs in so many places at once, under each of her five fingers.
This thing is surprising, hard and demanding and almost violent when pressed against the delicate frailty of a woman. He wonders how they stand it, welcome it, this imminent invasion. Kanan must have, once upon a time, but he doesn’t remember. Now Xianling laughs, a little, a happy laugh, when he gasps again. When she releases him to tug at his shirt, pulling him towards her bed and unbuttoning her blouse with her other hand, he follows, because there have been worse punishments, and this is better than the guilt.
Hakkai kisses her again and remembers the taste he couldn’t identify earlier: it’s the taste of the willing flesh of another person, a woman. Memory piles on top of memory, now, tumbling out faster and faster with each new touch. The skin of Xianling’s breasts tastes like the past: something wrong, something he shouldn’t have, but wants anyway, because his body demands it, and because it is the thing to do. Find security in the arms of another. One of them is feeling it now, and whether it is himself or Xianling hardly matters, because this is how it goes: naked flesh against naked flesh, spread the legs, hot constriction around his cock, the breathing, the low half-formed words.
It’s not Kanan but it’s something like their lovemaking was. In, out, in, out, seemingly aimless but not without a destination: Hakkai does remember being Gonou, being human, and yes, he’d been afraid, but not of youkai, specifically. Only afraid of living alone, but then he and Kanan had found each other. He’d not been afraid in a town where the people were nice, where he always had a purpose in his teaching; always had someone to come home to, someone who loved him. He remembers thinking, finally, they’ve found somewhere they can be normal, where nobody knows their past, where nobody cares that they were orphans or that they were siblings because they have each other, they’re a unit, that nice couple next door, the teacher and his girlfriend.
He remembers not feeling weak at all, just feeling normal. Strange, because he is much stronger now. His body is in control, of his memory, of Xianling. She smiles as he grunts, as he squeezes her breast, as he jerks his cock into her that last couple of times, as memories crest like waves-- Kanan--
He hasn’t said it aloud, and he is grateful. He is grateful when the memories fade again, also. When the woman slides languid fingers over his ear, however, whispering to him how much more powerful he could be, he drags her hand away without a word. He’s paid his price, reaped his reward.
And when the smell of sex fades from something remembered and arousing into something odd and uncomfortable, Hakkai remembers his rationale for coming here: it had something to do with new beginnings, freedom, rebirth, he thinks. That all seems so sordid, now.
He’ll think of another Gojyo line, to extricate himself with whatever grace he can muster. He’ll get dressed. Go find Goku, the house where they’d all woken, rescued from the desert. He suspects that Gojyo will be there also. Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. Community, safety, wasn’t always a place.
END
Thank you for reading! Flames, concrit, comments all appreciated. Please be honest; I've never written in present tense before, and I've not written Hakkai angst before, and want to know if I'm crazy. :)
By:
jedishampooPairing: Hakkai/RYFC (Random Youkai Female Character) (Hakkai HETOMG.)
Rating: R (not worksafe)
Summary: In the youkai village, Hakkai and Gojyo go their own ways for a bit.
Notes: About 1600 words. For
sharpeslass, who wrote me a 35 and requested Hakkai het. It’s more about Hakkai angst than the smexin’. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but she liked it. Thanks for the beta, dahling.The youkai town had proved mystifying, surprising, and seductive. The whole idea of it. The promise that someplace new would provide community, safety from the outside world, from the past. That didn’t make it right, however. It never lasted.
“So, what was it like, being human?”
“In what way?” Hakkai asks. He feels the youkai woman’s hands cradle his waist, long fingernails pressing in ever so slightly. He can smell her hair and the sharpness of the liquor on her breath. He remembers that he’d had some rationale behind his decision to come here, to her home, but can’t remember how he’d reached it.
“I mean, what did it feel like?”
“I don’t remember,” Hakkai admits. At least, he can’t remember physically. He’s been this way for so long, in his new life, that it seems normal. He does somewhat remember the pain of the transformation, the fear he’d felt as something happened to his body that he couldn’t explain. The clenching of his ribs, the sickness that rolled back and forth in his gut-- not at the blood of the Maoh clan or at feeling his nails and ears growing, but at the knowledge that Kanan was dead. That she had despaired somewhere alone.
“I remember everything before I was reborn,” she says. Her skin is dark, and her eyes are light brown. When Hakkai sets his hands on her shoulders, hesitantly because he’s forgotten how to touch a stranger, she releases a soft hmmm of satisfaction.
Hakkai feels like Gojyo had looked, just before he’d left the bar with his own companion for the evening. A brief, stymied expression had crossed Gojyo’s face when the tall woman had clasped his hand and pulled him towards the door. Like he was waiting for something. Like he knew that Sanzo should appear out of nowhere to deny him the female company, or even that Hakkai might give him a look that said “this is a bad idea.” There had been confusion at the intervention that never came, quickly covered, then eagerness, glee. Hakkai often envied Gojyo his ability to take life as it came. To care, and care deeply, when he felt like it, and to let go when he didn’t.
Hakkai had drunk just enough liquor to care a little less about everything-- the youkai town was low on water while home-brewed hooch was plentiful-- but the feeling has worn off. He wishes he’d brought some liquor with him, wishes that he could recapture that moment of decision. Then he realizes that there isn’t enough liquor in Shangri-La to make this right.
She’s still talking.
“Were you afraid of us?” she wants to know.
“I really didn’t think about it,” Hakkai says.
“Oh,” she says. “Well, it doesn’t matter.” Her face moves closer, like she’s raising herself onto her toes, and her eyes close.
“I need to--” Leave, he thinks. His fingers pop open and his palms lift, like he’s releasing a hot thing.
Her eyes fly open just as suddenly, and they’re a little frightened, a little hurt. It’s the sort of look a woman might have in her eyes when she was hugging herself.
“Oh,” she says again, and starts to back away.
“It’s just… I’ve been injured,” he says, not entirely untruthfully. His ribs and stomach muscles clench against his injuries, the new one and the old one. Too much freedom, too little direction; it wasn’t good for any of them.
Though Gojyo might beg to differ. Hakkai wished he had Gojyo’s way with women. The ability to put them at ease, to make them happy while promising nothing. Never leaving hurt feelings behind.
He wonders what Gojyo is doing right now, then stops wondering because he realizes that he really doesn’t want to know. He wonders how he possibly had said those things to Gojyo a few days ago-- about finding someone indestructible. Even if he’d said them in jest. Even if this woman understood that they wouldn’t be staying long. Fate had a way of turning Hakkai’s reality into a joke of its own.
“It’s okay,” she says, and tucks her dark hair behind one delicately pointed ear. She’s not looking at him. “I understand.”
Hakkai knows she is lying, and he wants to laugh at his sin. It isn’t this woman’s, Xianling’s, fault that he’d covered his distrust in fate with a new life, and she doesn’t deserve for him to be untouchable now. He can never enjoy this, but there’s no way to extricate himself without hurting her feelings. Like Sanzo says, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, we have a destination. Hakkai can do this.
He smiles, and hopes she doesn’t recognize its falsity. Gojyo and Goku and Sanzo would never be fooled by this smile, but they aren’t here. He clasps her shoulders and tries a Gojyo line. “Maybe I just need you to be gentle with me.”
“Oh!” Xianling says, and her eyes clear some, and her lips curl up at the sides, just the tiniest bit. “Of course.” Silly man, her eyes say, but her hands hover just above his hips, as if she’s not entirely convinced.
So Hakkai leans in and kisses her. Her lips are warm, the inside of her mouth wet and she tastes like liquor, and something else. He doesn’t remember the taste or this feeling, but he’s willing to go through with it, anyway. Always, Hakkai performs the correct penance for his mistakes.
Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, we have a destination. Part of him remembers something, because after a while his hands switch positions with hers, and she’s the one grabbing at his shoulders while his fingers press at the small of her back, his thumbs at her soft belly. Her skin underneath the waistband of her skirt is softer than the homespun material.
And Xianling is gentle, as promised. When her fingers venture down his aching breastbone and into the front of his pants, he hasn’t even realized that she’d unfastened them. His body remembers the correct response: his flesh is sensitive to the touch of the unfamiliar, and his blood knows where to go. He gasps at the contact and the rush of blood and the way it throbs in so many places at once, under each of her five fingers.
This thing is surprising, hard and demanding and almost violent when pressed against the delicate frailty of a woman. He wonders how they stand it, welcome it, this imminent invasion. Kanan must have, once upon a time, but he doesn’t remember. Now Xianling laughs, a little, a happy laugh, when he gasps again. When she releases him to tug at his shirt, pulling him towards her bed and unbuttoning her blouse with her other hand, he follows, because there have been worse punishments, and this is better than the guilt.
Hakkai kisses her again and remembers the taste he couldn’t identify earlier: it’s the taste of the willing flesh of another person, a woman. Memory piles on top of memory, now, tumbling out faster and faster with each new touch. The skin of Xianling’s breasts tastes like the past: something wrong, something he shouldn’t have, but wants anyway, because his body demands it, and because it is the thing to do. Find security in the arms of another. One of them is feeling it now, and whether it is himself or Xianling hardly matters, because this is how it goes: naked flesh against naked flesh, spread the legs, hot constriction around his cock, the breathing, the low half-formed words.
It’s not Kanan but it’s something like their lovemaking was. In, out, in, out, seemingly aimless but not without a destination: Hakkai does remember being Gonou, being human, and yes, he’d been afraid, but not of youkai, specifically. Only afraid of living alone, but then he and Kanan had found each other. He’d not been afraid in a town where the people were nice, where he always had a purpose in his teaching; always had someone to come home to, someone who loved him. He remembers thinking, finally, they’ve found somewhere they can be normal, where nobody knows their past, where nobody cares that they were orphans or that they were siblings because they have each other, they’re a unit, that nice couple next door, the teacher and his girlfriend.
He remembers not feeling weak at all, just feeling normal. Strange, because he is much stronger now. His body is in control, of his memory, of Xianling. She smiles as he grunts, as he squeezes her breast, as he jerks his cock into her that last couple of times, as memories crest like waves-- Kanan--
He hasn’t said it aloud, and he is grateful. He is grateful when the memories fade again, also. When the woman slides languid fingers over his ear, however, whispering to him how much more powerful he could be, he drags her hand away without a word. He’s paid his price, reaped his reward.
And when the smell of sex fades from something remembered and arousing into something odd and uncomfortable, Hakkai remembers his rationale for coming here: it had something to do with new beginnings, freedom, rebirth, he thinks. That all seems so sordid, now.
He’ll think of another Gojyo line, to extricate himself with whatever grace he can muster. He’ll get dressed. Go find Goku, the house where they’d all woken, rescued from the desert. He suspects that Gojyo will be there also. Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving. Community, safety, wasn’t always a place.
END
Thank you for reading! Flames, concrit, comments all appreciated. Please be honest; I've never written in present tense before, and I've not written Hakkai angst before, and want to know if I'm crazy. :)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 09:45 pm (UTC)You're Hakkai angst is right on the money as well!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 09:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 06:56 pm (UTC)Thanks so much for commenting!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 10:41 pm (UTC)This is so exactly how I imagine Hakkai's mind-set... from his willingness to go through with something he doesn't really want in order to spare another person pain, to his perception of male/female sex as something of an assault on the woman.
I loved every single word. I just wish I could convince you that het writing wasn't inherently wrong so that I could wring some unabashed and meritless Hakkai hetsmut out of you...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 04:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 02:12 am (UTC)Well, it seemed quite like Hakkai angst to me! (I've done a little of it, once or twice ... .) I like the feeling that he keeps trying to be accepting and enjoy himself, but it's all just a little unreal to him.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 04:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 02:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 04:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 04:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 03:21 pm (UTC)Brilliant!
I really loved this entire thing, really. There wasn't a moment where I wasn't thinking: 'Wow, this is sooo Hakkai!'
Fantastic job, and I'll definitely read this one again! =)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 06:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-08 05:38 am (UTC)I think this is exactly what Hakkai's experience would be like with the first woman he has sex with after Kanan. Very conflicted, but telling himself it's the right thing, a part of moving forward with his new life.
It was very well done how what was physically happening was so rote, something his body just knew how to do, something that was really only registering in a small part of his brain, while all the complex emotions of the experience were so clear and strong to him.
There were a lot of lines I really liked in this, but a few of my favorites:
The clenching of his ribs, the sickness that rolled back and forth in his gut-- not at the blood of the Maoh clan or at feeling his nails and ears growing, but at the knowledge that Kanan was dead. That she had despaired somewhere alone..
^ This is one of the things that makes Hakkai such a fascinating character, that what the world considers his greatest crime, he does not. It's his failure to save and protect Kanan that he thinks of as his true sin.
Too much freedom, too little direction; it wasn’t good for any of them.
Fate had a way of turning Hakkai’s reality into a joke of its own.
Her skin underneath the waistband of her skirt is softer than the homespun material.
because there have been worse punishments, and this is better than the guilt.
Hakkai kisses her again and remembers the taste he couldn’t identify earlier: it’s the taste of the willing flesh of another person, a woman.
And when the smell of sex fades from something remembered and arousing into something odd and uncomfortable, Hakkai remembers his rationale for coming here: it had something to do with new beginnings, freedom, rebirth, he thinks. That all seems so sordid, now.
Well, that's a lot of lines, but your word choice was excellent throughout.
Thanks for sharing this. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-08 05:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-08 05:37 pm (UTC)I also love Hakkai's uncertainty with intimacy, and his admiration/jealousy of Gojyo's adeptness in that field. And the fact that he used Gojyo lines was just awesome to me.
In short, excellent job! A really great read
no subject
Date: 2008-06-08 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 12:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 04:46 am (UTC)Thank you so much for reading & always commenting! You are so nice. ::hugs::